His diary
by Clato321
Summary: "I-I know I shouldn't have had but… When the elders wanted to clean Neji's room, uhm… I took all of his books because I know that those were important to him and I went through some of them and saw that… He had a diary. Apparently he started writing in it a week before war so it's practically new." A diary? Neji had a diary?


_Hi! Okay, so first things first. I don't speak English and I have always been scared of uploading a fanfiction in english so there might be some major grammar mistakes but I still wanted to write it so here it is! It would be great if you guys tell me where I have big, big mistakes so I can correct them. With no more else to say, enjoy!_

 _Some dates might be off bc I just can't recall when it happened_

 _(of course the picture is not mine so i give credits to the author: papabay)_

…

Everyone else looked so happy. It almost seems as if the war hadn't happen and everything was still the same as it was months ago. Maybe to them it was but to me. He was not here anymore. He left too early… Why did he do it? Why did he jump? He was fine, 'kicking ass' at the war, making jealous every shinobi that had years of experience. He was Neji Hyuga and he wasn't supposed to die.

Some people say you don't really appreciate things until they're gone and I guess it's true because I never really thought about one of my teammates dying since we were one of the strongest teams from Konoha 11. Sometimes I sit down and think… 'What would've happen if it was Lee, and Neji was alive?' but then I shake that thought out of my mind because I would still be grieving over someone.

Neji. We both knew we had feelings for each other and for that I was thankful but is it really a good thing to confess your love to someone before a war? No; trust me on that one. I always regret not telling him about my feelings before I did. We could've spent some much time together not just a couple of days; days in which I didn't worry because I knew, well I thought, he was going to make it out alive. Because, come on, Neji was a genius! He was one of the strongest of his clan. I sighed. It was stupid to think of 'what would've happen' now.

It was a normal day at the store. After the war not a lot of people came to buy weapons because they just didn't need it but this was I all had to survive since no more missions were given to me. I had my elbow against the counter, resting my cheek on my hand and just waiting for someone to come in and then I saw those eyes, those eyes that reminded me so much about it. "Hi, Tenten." Said the shy girl with a quiet voice. "Hi Hinata. I'm glad to see you here." I answered and just stared at her. Eventhough I never told her, nor did Neji, she knew about our feelings for each other. "How can I help you?" I asked her again as she approached the counter. She wasn't here to buy weapons and that I knew for sure because she didn't look around or seemed interested. She wanted something else. It took her some time to speak or even to look up from the ground but when she did her eyes looked different. "I'm here to talk about Neji-niisan." She said quietly and at that I cleared my throat feeling a little discomfort. It's been a while since the last time I spoke to someone about Neji. "I-I know I shouldn't have had but… When the elders wanted to clean Neji's room, uhm… I took all of his books because I know that those were important to him and I went through some of them and saw that… He had a diary. Apparently he started writing in it a week before war so it's practically new." A diary? Neji had a diary?

Hinata looked into the bag she was carrying and when she finally found it she handed it to me. It was a small grey notebook. A little smile formed on my face as I looked at it. 'Grey was his favorite color and it looked really good on him'. I thought to myself and then I Hinata spoke again. "Tenten… I wanted to give it to you b-because… I knew Niisan had a lot of affection towards you. So… p-please take care of it and also take care of yourself." With that, she left.

I stood a few minutes in silence, just looking at the notebook and thinking... Thinking about what could be written down in those sheets of thin paper. When my head was a little better and not fogged with thoughts, I closed the door of the store. I needed to see what was in there.

Taking the notebook and running upstairs felt like a million years. I wanted to see it but also my hands were shaky. This was another piece of Neji that I had myself now and it was private so I felt dirty opening it but I had to. Taking a sharp breath in and feeling a tear roll down my cheek I decided that I could just go and apologize… _To his tomb._

Clearing my throat once again and wiping my tear from my cheek, I started to read.

 _ **Monday, 2, April.**_

 _Today training was good, as usual. I arrived and meditated for a while until I heard someone screaming about youth but, as always, it was easy to ignore. Lee called my name for a few times until I heard him say something about Tenten and that caught my attention so I decided to listen. He was proposing to go have some dinner after our training session and I just nodded and went back to meditate. It was my turn to spar with Tenten. She has improved a lot and that makes me proud. After that, we went to have some dinner._

This was a happy memory. I remember being really tired after our sparring session and now I was glad that Neji noticed how much I had improved and that he was proud of me. Dinner was good that day. We went with Guy sensei and Lee. Powerful laughs and happiness filled the atmosphere. Neji insisted on walking me home but that wasn't something new, he enjoyed spending some time with me in full silence.  
I remember that when we got to my front door I turned to say goodbye to him and he didn't seem like he wanted to go so I invited him in and then he started talking. He told me about things that I already knew, things that involved his clan. I could see how much he needed to talk about this so I didn't stop him and just listened. Every once in a while Neji would speak about this, it was not so often because he was not the kind of person who wanted everyone to know how he was feeling but it was different with me; he could talk about anything and feel comfortable about it. I smiled at that. How couldn't I see it before?.. Now it seems so obvious.

 _ **Tuesday, 3, April.**_

 _I woke up early again and went outside to look at the gardens, Hinata-sama was there with Hanabi-sama and they said hi to me. I went back inside, gathered my things and went training. Today Tenten was there before me. She looked as beautiful as always with her two buns and her big smile. I tried to stay as serious as possible. She said hi to me in an optimistic way and threw a kunai rapidly but I caught it and she whined. She said she wanted to give me a lecture about not keeping my guard down but I had just ruined it. We were alone so I thought about telling her how I feel but I couldn't. I don't want to seem weak and she is in love with Lee so it was just not going to work. Hmp._

In love with Lee!? Neji really thought I was in love with my best friend?! I couldn't help but laugh at this. How come he never told me about that! My laughing suddenly turn into sobbing and I felt my eyes beginning to water. Neji… how much I need you here. I took the notebook and just pressed it against my chest. Feeling a bit hole in my heart. He was never going to be here again. Why did he have to go? Why…?

After a few minutes of crying and feeling my chest aching, I regained composure and continued reading.

 _ **Wednesday, 4, April.**_

 _Guy sensei wanted us to go to his house to have a talk about something and so we did. There he started talking about 'youth'. Nothing new really. Lee was taking notes in a book as if he didn't know but it was the same thing he always says. He gave emphasis to Tenten, saying that she needed to be protected by Lee and I because she was starting to become a woman to which Tenten felt offended because she was already 17 years old. Our sensei said that guys were starting to look at her in a different way and that it was our duty to protect her lotus flower. It was a weird conversation._

I remember that day clearly. How could Guy say something like that? First of all, I can take care of myself. Second of all, was it really necessary? I rubbed my cheeks because the embarrassment was starting to make them look really red. Another thing I remember that Guy talked about, but Neji had already left because of some duties at the compound, was love. He had a serious look on his face as he stared at both Lee and I. He said something about love being dangerous but beautiful at the same time and I didn't understand what he was referring to. Of course I had seen my friends with broken hearts but that wasn't really Guy's point. War was near and he knew about my feelings for Neji because when I was younger and still didn't have a close relationship with Neji, I hated him. Yes, I was his shadow, but I hated him. Guy talked to me about it not being really hate but love and since then I realized that I had feelings for that ice-cube guy. Basically my sensei wanted me to confess my feelings because destruction was just around the block and we didn't know what could happen after it was over.

 _ **Thursday, 5, April.**_

 _I love rainy days and I'm glad that today is one of them. The smell of wet grass is soothing and beautiful. Most teams didn't train if it was raining but it was different with ours. We had to train no matter the weather and that was a good thing because we don't have control over it at missions so we are ready for it all. I got to where my team was already flexing and practicing some kicks. Lee called my name really loud when I arrived and he ran to me. He said something about how much he was ready to beat me but I ignored him and just went over to Tenten. She was flexing at the ground. When I got to her side she gave me a big smile and that made me feel comfortable. I told her that it was my time to practice with her again and she nodded, getting up with one jump and into fighting position. She looked just as beautiful as always. I was certain today was the day but when I was about to tell her I saw her glance at Lee. She was indeed in love with him. How could someone as beautiful and smart as Tenten be in love with someone like Lee? Sure he is a great person, sometimes, but Tenten deserves better._

Yeah, that day Neji said he had something to tell me but seeing Guy hitting Lee on the head because apparently he was not trying enough caught my attention. When I looked back at Neji he just said 'Hmp' and left. I pouted and tried following Neji but Lee crying on the ground and apologizing to Guy sensei and then Guy sensei crying because he had hit Lee got me distracted. After that I just went home, wondering what Neji wanted to tell me and also thinking about what Guy said the day before about confessing my love to Neji. He didn't say it directly but that's exactly what he meant… If only I had said it before. I rubbed my temples and just continued reading through the diary. Nervous for the following day.

 _ **Friday, 6, April.**_

 _She said it._

I chuckled slightly. I remember on Friday I told him how I felt and he just looked at me with no emotion on his face but I knew Neji better than he knew himself so I could see through his eyes. He was unsure of what to say. His body was not moving at all and nor was mine. We just stayed there in silence waiting for someone to speak but words didn't came. Instead of that I just felt Neji reach for my hand and look at it. I have to say that it's the first time I see Neji getting nervous and it was cute. He then looked at me and pulled me in to a hug which was a big deal because Neji Hyuga hated physical contact. He was taller than me so my head rested against his firm chest. I could listen to his heart beating like crazy. _His heart. Beating._ Now that I think about it its crazy how something like a beating heart can mean so much to me. Damn you Tenten. Damn you life. Here we go again… My hands started shaking as I remembered the beating of his heart. Something I'm never going to listen to again. Something I was not able to record on my head because it wasn't that important at that time. Now I was mad. Mad at myself for not protecting that moment, for not protecting him at the war. I wish he was here for me to put my head against his chest. I could kill to feel his arms around me again. I need him, I really do. So I got up and went downstairs to my shop. I took a kunai and held it against my throat. I needed to see Neji again but for some reason I was not able to make the cut. Then I threw my kunai far away from me. What was I thinking? My legs gave in and I went to the ground. My back rested against the cold wall behind me, holding my legs to my chest tightly I looked up at the ceiling, thinking I was looking at the sky. How much he would hate seeing me like this… My tears were so big now my whole face was wet from crying. My head, eyes, chest, everything was hurting. I closed my eyes and I pictured him. He was looking down at me, giving me those eyes I always loved. I pictured him telling me to be strong for him and for myself. It was not a choice, I had to.

I didn't know how much time had passed but when I finally got up I saw through the window that it was already night. I rubbed my eyes and went back upstairs to read the last few pages of that really small diary.

My bed felt uncomfortable so I decided to sit on the ground to continue to read. I knew what had happened the following day, Saturday, but also wanted to know how he felt about it.

 _ **Saturday, 7, April.**_

 _Yesterday was odd. Both Tenten and I had a talk about feelings that I haven't had with someone else before and it was nice but I decided that I wanted to see her today and she agreed. She told me she would wait for me at her house and I'm glad we spent this time together. I experienced something new and also felt something. I knew I like Tenten but I think I love her too._

Saturday was a beautiful day for both Neji and I because we finally knew about or feelings for each other. When he got to my house it was awkward at first. It was not a date but more like just some time together. I say it was awkward because the first hour he was just sitting across from me, he didn't make eye contact. I remember I chuckled and he rolled his eyes, crossing his arms against his chest. Then I decided to join him where he was sitting and he flinched, moving slightly to the other side but I stopped him by taking his hand. His eyes finally met mine and with this I rested my head on his shoulder. It was not the first time I did this. At missions, I would either rest against Lee or Neji; mostly Lee because Neji would eventually move. I cringed slightly, now realizing why Neji thought I had feelings for my green teammate.

Anyways, back to Saturday. We stayed in that positon for a while until Neji moved away from me and I was about to complain as I always do but I couldn't because I was shut by Neji's mouth against mine. I was shocked. Neji Hyuga was really kissing me. This wasn't my first kiss but it definitely was the first kiss that made me feel something. His lips didn't move, they were just against mine letting me know that it was his first his but when my shock passed, I moved my left hand to wrap against his neck and pulled him deeper into the kiss. I titled my head slightly to the side to make the kiss more comfortable for both of us and parted my lips, moving them slowly against his. We kissed for a while until Neji got the hang of it and his arms decided to wrap around my waist, pulling me closer. That day no words were exchanged, instead of that we just kissed and maybe something else…

What a beautiful memory. I thought to myself and curled into a ball. The day I kissed the man I had loved for years, and also the day I got closer to him in another way. I bit my lower lip and stared out of the window. Just thinking and replaying it over and over again. How his lips felt against mine and how his hands felt against my naked back. Now it was time to read the last day written in the diary. A day that was important to her.

 _ **Sunday, 8, April.**_

 _Tomorrow we go to the war so I woke up wanting to talk to Tenten, again. I don't know if I'm annoying her. I wouldn't be annoyed if she came to the compound three days in a row but I would be really pissed if it was Lee. I went to her house at 8 am, she was already up. She let me in with that big smile of hers and offered some tea which I accepted. I told her that the day before was good and she agreed, her cheeks were a bit pink. She looked beautiful. I wish when war is over we can continue with this relationship and maybe take it somewhere else. Me, married to Tenten? My uncle would freak out but I don't care, I know father would be happy to see me happy. I love her._

'Me, married to Tenten'. I couldn't help but to repeat those words and I had to read them again. Did he really think about marrying me? This was intense, but beautiful at the same time. I smiled slightly, got up and went to the window. 'My answer is yes'. I said to the sky and immediately felt stupid for my actions but I was just a girl who was in love with someone that was gone. I sat back down on the ground, next to the diary and looking down at the last three words that were written. I loved him too and I confessed it on Sunday, the last day we saw each other until that day. He didn't responded to my words when he was leaving but he did smile and just left. Now seeing his words on the paper and closing my eyes makes me imagine how he would sound saying them.

And that was it, the diary was over. No more words from Neji. I sighed and just stayed on the ground, looking at the wall in front of me and wishing there was more to read but I knew it was over because on Monday we left very early. Neji… How much I miss you.

I took the book again and just flipped the pages quickly and then I saw something in the middle of the notebook. I frowned my eyebrows and looked at it. It read, _To Tenten_. I gasped and immediately started reading it.

 _To Tenten_

 _Hi Tenten, if you're reading this it means I'm no longer physically with you, I say that because I'll always be in your heart. I'm sorry I couldn't make it alive from war. I have no idea how it happened but I'm sure it wasn't in vain. I wish I could've spent more time with you, not just as a teammate. You know I'm not that kind of person who writes romantic stuff but for some reason I feel the need to write this down. I have always had feelings for you, maybe it wasn't love from the beginning but you always made me feel something and to me that was important because it wasn't anger and all I felt when I was younger was anger. I know people see you as a cheerful girl and I'm so glad that they do because it's true but I see you as something more. I see you as that person who healed a broken heart, who opened the gates of a caged bird, someone who let me fly until I was tired and helped me rest my wings. Thank you for your support, for your words and your love. I wish I could've done this soon to be more time with you because I realized really late that you were the one I always wanted to be with. You're one of the strongest people I know so you'll get through it but I'm not so sure about Lee so help him, because I know we were always like rivals but he was like a brother to me; guy sensei was like the father I needed when father wasn't there for me. You are important to me and I know I'm important to me. Please Tenten, don't restrain yourself, be free but never forget me. If you keep me in your heart and your thoughts it's as if I was still alive. I love you Tenten and I will always do._

 _Always in your thoughts,_

 _Neji_

I smiled and felt his arms around me as I read through his letter 'Thank you Neji for this that you have written' I whispered to myself and suddenly a big strength filled my body. I was back again.

Thank you Neji, for loving me.


End file.
